Swine Flu (Must Read!)

In light of recent events concerning the Swine Flu, effective immediately, the following rules will apply when approaching my cubicle until further notice:

1. Please knock and stand at cube opening until I put on my surgical mask. Still, you are not to proceed past this point! No exceptions. Violation of rule #1 will result in you being kicked "Samurai style" into the adjacent cubicle.

2. Do not bring me any candy, cookies or chips that have been opened. Violation of this rule will lead me to believe that goods have been intentionally tainted and that you are trying to kill me. This action will result in me forcing the goods to a place where they would end up had you digested them.

3. Do not cough, sneeze or laugh in my cubicle. Violation will result in you being beat down with my telephone handset and then your forehead anointed with hand sanitizer.

4. Only in extreme cases of disease outbreak has the ancient African practice of "Dywydh" been used. Father Olu Wutonge' of the Mugambo tribe has instructed me on this practice. I am to ask you within 10 feet of approaching my cube to place my palms in the direction of the individual approaching and scream, D.y.w.y.d.h.! This is an acronym for, "Did you wash yo damn hands?" Answering "no" will result in me using my blowgun to shoot a dart laced with mixture of amoxicillin and 151 rum directly in your jugular.

5. Any saliva seen coming from your mouth while talking will result in immediate counter-action of your face being sprayed with Lysol.

6. If you are one of those individuals that are notorious for not washing your hands after using the restroom, when you approach my cubicle, trap doors have been installed that will open beneath your feet and you will plummet to the basement where a representative from the CDC has been instructed to kick you senseless, quarantine you, then take your picture and post it in the local office with the caption, "pee carrier" beneath it.

7. If through some unfortunate event you deem it necessary to use my phone, pen, stapler, computer, chair, or any other object that requires you to touch it, take it with you! Violation of this rule will result of those same objects being violently hurled at you if you don't.

8. The use of words like, "nausea", "fever", "sore throat", etc. will make you considered a risk to not only National Security but my health as well. At this point, my vigilante survivor skills automatically go to "code red". My side eye effect will be no match for the the masked men that will be waiting in your car at the end of the workday. Anonymity is obligatory.

9. If by some rare chance, you walk up on me and I don't see you, a spider money in a nurses uniform is hidden in my desk and has been expertly trained will jump out, wrap itself around your neck and aggressively douse you with powered lye. At this point you may proceed with the business at hand. The stealing jewelry part, he taught himself.


10. Today is a free day. Any item that you may have left or that I may have borrowed within the past two weeks, you may come and claim now! They have been burned and are sitting in the hall.

WYLD STYLZ